struggles & blessings

 This little boy brings out so many emotions in me. in the same minute he can make me so frustrated & so happy. it seems as if he turned two & terrible on the same day. And then you look at him and you smile, because he is just so darn cute.

 

 I have struggled lately in knowing how to parent him...i still haven't figured it out. (parenting books are on their way to my house right now). time-outs haven't seemed to work and spanking certainly doesn't work, calm speaking doesn't quite cut it because as i try to gently speak, he's off and running to the next exciting thing.

 

  in one moment i am laughing at how fun & energetic he is and the next i'm wanting to scream screaming because he's too energetic & wild. for example: yesterday we were at Target and as i'm trying on 5 inch platform wedges he takes off running as fast as his little legs can carry him, which is surprisingly fast, saying "runaway, runaway". imagine that, me chasing him with one platform on and one flip-flop. In that moment i was laughing a little, but the next 4 times he jumped off the cart and did the same, not so much. Or how bout when we were at the verizon store the other night and in the split second i turned to talk to the worker, he bolted off, ran across the store, opened the fire-extinguisher, and attempted to pull it out of the case....thankfully there was only one other couple in the store, but of course they were staring at him, saying "wow, he's a quick one"----major proud mommy moment there

 

 But then, there are the moments when my heart melts because he is so sweet. Like when Claire cries, and he goes and gives her a hug and a kiss and says "why sad Claire, why sad? be happy!" Or when every time Chase gets home from work Preston greets him with the biggest smile, kiss & hug you've ever seen.

 

 I knew being a parent wouldn't be easy. It's not. but quite honestly i didn't think i'd have days where i really wanted to lock myself in my room and let Preston do whatever he pleases while i take a breather. Nor, did i imagine i'd have such a range of emotions with him. I don't want to be "the mean-mom" who at the end of the day realizes she only said "no" 5,000 times instead of sitting down and making a mess with him. And somedays i go to bed frustrated with him & myself because it was one of those no-days... those aren't fun for me, and certainly not for him.

 

 But i also didn't realize that hearing a sweet voice saying "mommy, come in" every morning would melt my heart the way it does. Or to realize how it feels to have someone depend on and need me so much. Its a BIG JOB being a mom, but i can't think of a greater thing to do.

 

  I know Preston is busy, and energetic, and full of it, and crazy, and naughty sometimes (a lot of the times). And i know we are going to have our struggles over the years, as i figure him out & he does the same for me. I know it is going to be hard.

 But, i also know that Preston was chosen to come to our family, so i could be his mom. So that he could teach me so very much, as i try to teach him too. So that i could struggle, and learn & grow alongside him. There are bad days, and there always will be...but, the good outweighs them so much. I know what a blessing it is for me to be his mother. I am learning patience & understanding & balance & more patience everyday. I am realizing now that i need to embrace his busy, active, healthy, energetic self and run with it. How lucky is he to have those capabilities to do so much & learn so quickly. I think i look at other moms who have really well behaved, mellow children and envy that sometimes, or think to myself how they must look at me because i'm almost always chasing Preston down or telling him no and think that they think i just don't have it together (which sometimes i don't). But again, i'm so grateful & blessed to have him in my life and am realizing that i should focus more on how lucky i am that i get to be his mom & forget about the insignificant things that push my buttons on a daily basis...those things aren't important, but he is. 

I am once again reminded of something that someone told me in a note right before i had Pres. She said, "there is no greater challenge, nor greater blessing than being a mom" 

and its true.